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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2020 5:21:04 GMT
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[attr="class","lyr1"]i gotta stick
[attr="class","lyr2"]my head in
[attr="class","lyr3"];
[attr="class","lyr4"]the sand and block
[attr="class","lyr5"]&
[attr="class","lyr6"]out all the
[attr="class","lyr2"]sadness
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Tag: none // Wordcount: 1,194
Tag: none // Wordcount: 1,194
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[CW: Death, Funerals, Grieving, Loss][break][break]
[attr="class","ray-img"]
[CW: Death, Funerals, Grieving, Loss][break][break]
Rain was nothing extraordinary for Seattle. Especially not this time of year, with it being early spring. But today, it stood out prominently to Ezra, the melancholy grey sky acting as a perfect backdrop for a funeral. It was hauntingly reminiscent of the one he'd been to many years ago as a young boy in England, when he'd had to say his final good byes to his mum, before everything with his father got twisted and awful and out of hand.[break][break]
A well dressed, lifeless shell of a human being stared back at him from the bathroom mirror, he himself looking like a walking corpse, and it did nothing to improve his mood. It was merely another reminder of what he had to do today. A knock on the door frame brought him out of the trance he was in, and he looked over to find Saadia's father, Jude. "Ready to go, son?" He asked, and for a moment Ezra didn't know how to answer that question. Not trusting himself with words, he nodded somberly, shambling out the door and into the rest of the small hotel room. [break][break]
The drive over to the funeral home was a blur. He sat in the back seat of his in-laws BMW with his head against the window, not daring to join in on the conversation taking place in the front seats. If his saint-like in-laws minded at all, they showed it through worried glances in his direction. The car slowed to a stop in a parking spot near the front of the old white painted brick building. Ezra realized he desperately didn't want to get out of the car, as if any small bit of defiance would somehow stop this nightmare from happening to him. But his mind and body weren't in sync, and as if compelled by sheer robotic compliance, he ducked his lanky form out of the car.[break][break]
A well dressed, lifeless shell of a human being stared back at him from the bathroom mirror, he himself looking like a walking corpse, and it did nothing to improve his mood. It was merely another reminder of what he had to do today. A knock on the door frame brought him out of the trance he was in, and he looked over to find Saadia's father, Jude. "Ready to go, son?" He asked, and for a moment Ezra didn't know how to answer that question. Not trusting himself with words, he nodded somberly, shambling out the door and into the rest of the small hotel room. [break][break]
The drive over to the funeral home was a blur. He sat in the back seat of his in-laws BMW with his head against the window, not daring to join in on the conversation taking place in the front seats. If his saint-like in-laws minded at all, they showed it through worried glances in his direction. The car slowed to a stop in a parking spot near the front of the old white painted brick building. Ezra realized he desperately didn't want to get out of the car, as if any small bit of defiance would somehow stop this nightmare from happening to him. But his mind and body weren't in sync, and as if compelled by sheer robotic compliance, he ducked his lanky form out of the car.[break][break]
There was no sermon, Saadia's family weren't religious in any way, and that was a saving grace for him. Instead they listened to lovely stories about his wife and child. Sitting at the front of their congregation beside his in-laws, staring blankly at the white and gold open coffin, and the smaller matching coffin that sat beside it. He stuck out like a sore thumb from the rest of Saadia's family, towering over most all of them, half of which he'd never even met before. He could feel eyes on him from every angle, and imagined what they would whisper among themselves, about how tragic it was and oh her poor husband. What normally would've sparked anger in him did nothing more than flicker and die, leaving him feeling cold inside. [break][break]
As the congregation dispersed, mingling and mourning together or stopping by the matching coffins to pay respects, Ezra remained unmoved in his chair. Jude had gone to talk to Saadia's uncle, leaving him and Lena, his mother in law, sitting together in silence. Carefully, as if handling delicate china, Lena reached out for his hand. He gave it to her, and squeezed. "Ezra." She said, soft in tone but firm and motherly in intention. Looking to his right, he made an effort to at least meet her gentle dark brown eyes. "There's nothing I can say that'll make the pain you're feeling go away. I wish there was. I just want you to know that you are and always have been family, and that Jude and I are here to talk. If anyone understands what you're going through, the closest would be us."[break][break]
He didn't take the words for granted, but Lena was right. Nothing she could say would be able to fix this. He forced a small smile that looked more like a grimace, nodding. "I know. Thank you." With a parting squeeze, he took his hand away and straightened, getting to his feet despite feeling like he might collapse at any moment from the weight resting in his heart. The room had mostly cleared out, with a few extended relatives still milling about in the wings, but none of them were headed towards the memorial and he decided it was empty enough to go up and say his final good byes, like so many years ago. [break][break]
Saadia laid in undisturbed repose, surrounded by dozens of sunflowers, dressed in her favorite yellow sweater dress. Her manicured hands rested atop her stomach, and for a brief moment he fell into a chasm of memories, back to when they'd first discovered she was pregnant. Knowing Helena wasn't big enough at that point to kick, he still insisted on resting his hand there, the happiest he'd ever been in his life aside from the day they were married. His mind snapped like a rubber band, back to reality and the vacant body before him. Ezra reached a hand out, brushing a stray curl out of her face and resting his hand against the ice cold, waxy skin. From the depths of his being his voice arose, coming out as barely a whisper, cracked and broken. "I loved you so much. Love you. So much." He choked back a lump forming in his throat, pushing himself through with sheer force of will. "And I miss you. And I don't know what I'm going to do without you." [break][break]
His hand retreated, falling limply to his side. A stray tear began to work it's way down his cheek, catching and welling in the stubble he'd meant to shave this morning but hadn't found the energy to. Swiping it away, his feet carried him forward, stopping just in front of the almost miniature, child-sized coffin. Just as peacefully, dressed in a little matching yellow sun dress, laid Helena. The coldness radiating within him froze his heart over, tendrils of guilt and sorrow crawling down his spine and sitting heavily in his stomach. The tears came back with a vengeance, and he did his best to work through them, reaching out to take her icy little hand in his own. [break][break]
"Hey there Helena-bee, it's daddy." He rasped, realizing he was shaking involuntarily. "I love you very much sweetie. And I miss you too." The tears came faster now, the dammed up feelings cracking his defenses, spilling out uncontrollably. He choked back a sob, shoulders shuddering as he cried harder. "I'm s- I'm so sorry." With that, the floodgates opened, and he felt a firm hand on his shoulder that forced him to turn around. He found himself enveloped in a tight hug from Jude. Burying his face in the padded shoulder of his father-in-law's suit, he wept loud and inconsolably, clinging on to the black blazer like it was a lifeline. Jude spoke softly, encouraging him to let it out, and let it out he did. He gripped the dark fabric with white knuckles, mumbling incoherently. "Ezra, son, I can't hear what you're saying. Take a deep breath." He tried to nod against the shoulder his head rested on, breathing in through his nose and letting out a shaking breath. In a warbling, hushed whimper, he managed to get out: "I don't know what I'm going to do."
As the congregation dispersed, mingling and mourning together or stopping by the matching coffins to pay respects, Ezra remained unmoved in his chair. Jude had gone to talk to Saadia's uncle, leaving him and Lena, his mother in law, sitting together in silence. Carefully, as if handling delicate china, Lena reached out for his hand. He gave it to her, and squeezed. "Ezra." She said, soft in tone but firm and motherly in intention. Looking to his right, he made an effort to at least meet her gentle dark brown eyes. "There's nothing I can say that'll make the pain you're feeling go away. I wish there was. I just want you to know that you are and always have been family, and that Jude and I are here to talk. If anyone understands what you're going through, the closest would be us."[break][break]
He didn't take the words for granted, but Lena was right. Nothing she could say would be able to fix this. He forced a small smile that looked more like a grimace, nodding. "I know. Thank you." With a parting squeeze, he took his hand away and straightened, getting to his feet despite feeling like he might collapse at any moment from the weight resting in his heart. The room had mostly cleared out, with a few extended relatives still milling about in the wings, but none of them were headed towards the memorial and he decided it was empty enough to go up and say his final good byes, like so many years ago. [break][break]
Saadia laid in undisturbed repose, surrounded by dozens of sunflowers, dressed in her favorite yellow sweater dress. Her manicured hands rested atop her stomach, and for a brief moment he fell into a chasm of memories, back to when they'd first discovered she was pregnant. Knowing Helena wasn't big enough at that point to kick, he still insisted on resting his hand there, the happiest he'd ever been in his life aside from the day they were married. His mind snapped like a rubber band, back to reality and the vacant body before him. Ezra reached a hand out, brushing a stray curl out of her face and resting his hand against the ice cold, waxy skin. From the depths of his being his voice arose, coming out as barely a whisper, cracked and broken. "I loved you so much. Love you. So much." He choked back a lump forming in his throat, pushing himself through with sheer force of will. "And I miss you. And I don't know what I'm going to do without you." [break][break]
His hand retreated, falling limply to his side. A stray tear began to work it's way down his cheek, catching and welling in the stubble he'd meant to shave this morning but hadn't found the energy to. Swiping it away, his feet carried him forward, stopping just in front of the almost miniature, child-sized coffin. Just as peacefully, dressed in a little matching yellow sun dress, laid Helena. The coldness radiating within him froze his heart over, tendrils of guilt and sorrow crawling down his spine and sitting heavily in his stomach. The tears came back with a vengeance, and he did his best to work through them, reaching out to take her icy little hand in his own. [break][break]
"Hey there Helena-bee, it's daddy." He rasped, realizing he was shaking involuntarily. "I love you very much sweetie. And I miss you too." The tears came faster now, the dammed up feelings cracking his defenses, spilling out uncontrollably. He choked back a sob, shoulders shuddering as he cried harder. "I'm s- I'm so sorry." With that, the floodgates opened, and he felt a firm hand on his shoulder that forced him to turn around. He found himself enveloped in a tight hug from Jude. Burying his face in the padded shoulder of his father-in-law's suit, he wept loud and inconsolably, clinging on to the black blazer like it was a lifeline. Jude spoke softly, encouraging him to let it out, and let it out he did. He gripped the dark fabric with white knuckles, mumbling incoherently. "Ezra, son, I can't hear what you're saying. Take a deep breath." He tried to nod against the shoulder his head rested on, breathing in through his nose and letting out a shaking breath. In a warbling, hushed whimper, he managed to get out: "I don't know what I'm going to do."
[attr="class","boxo-notes"]set six months ago
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