xx. i went too far

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[attr="class","lyr1"]cause i'm awake

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[attr="class","lyr4"]long to the drums

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[attr="class","lyr6"]of the

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The sun had long dipped in the sky, bathing the buildings of Astaria in a crimson-orange light. One could only guess how long the two of them had been walking. They nearly walked a full circuit of of Astaria, he was sure. Somewhere along the lines, they ended up on a bike trail and followed it as far as they could, ending up on a tall, sheer hill overlooking the college dormitories. From where they were they could watch the sun fall below the horizon, leaving them in the dusky beginnings of twilight. Fitz fancied a spot close to the sheer overlook, and as he plopped down, letting his feet dangle just so, he patted the grass next to him for Jonas to sit. [break][break]
At first, he was silent. Fitz watched the sun disappear in a comfortable quiet, taking sips of the vodka he had tried to share with Jonas and had barely concealed in a brown bag. They'd stopped at a run down 7/11 and picked it up for the road. Even with the calm that the liquor provided, his chest was still in knots, waiting for Jonas to reject him after all this time, irritated and painful. Like he deserved. Throwing that temper tantrum earlier had broken something in him, and the dammed up feelings he kept having flowed free without interruption. He didn't deserve this easily given forgiveness. Part him wanted to seek redemption, and the other part of him was so entranced and wholly wrapped around Jonas' little finger. It was all he could do to keep them from breaching past his heart and brain and into the open air. [break][break]
But he had to speak some time, and so he did, staring at the sky intently as the first stars just started to shine through the dying light of the day. "Journalism, huh? You always did love to hear yourself talk." He teased playfully, a sly grin splitting his lips. To further accent his point, he prodded Jonas in the side, laughing jovially. Before sitting back a little bit, he took another swig of vodka, letting it burn straight down his throat. It worked against him, loosening his lips, making him feel uncomfortably wistful. Just like that he was on to another topic. "You think soulmates really exist? Like someone out there made for you? I never was much into fate or destiny, but I don't think it's unfair to think maybe you and your other half were composed out of the same stardust." With a pause, and another sip, he continued on visibly unbothered. "If they exist I think you're mine." Panic. He flinched at his own words, doing what he could to make it imperceptible. Immediately his thoughts honed in and sobered up to salvage the situation. Fitz gave a careless smile and laughed, "What would we call that? Broulmates?"

[attr="class","boxo-notes"]et voila

KAY

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Minutes bled into hours, the sky rushing overhead like it was on a time lapse. And everything was right, and everything was perfect. Jonas felt like he'd awoken from a grey, numb, frigid wasteland that'd kept him stranded and barren for years. Somehow just the simple act of breathing felt more sincere and genuine - like he'd been doing some second-rate, off brand simulation of it since he was seventeen. Fitz ambled beside him, and it was like Jonas had been a lost moon and finally found his earth again, falling into his orbit, two pieces of a mosaic. They talked and laughed and joked and Jonas's heart ached with the most extreme growing pangs; mournful bands that'd kept it stagnant and hobbled with Fitz's absence shattered by his crooked smile and dancing eyes. Somewhere in their stroll, they wound up on a cliff overlooking Astaria College's campus. Fitz threw himself down on the ledge haphazardly and beckoned Jonas closer - needlessly. He was already coming, hands stuffed in his pockets, to lower down beside the other man. Jonas let the foot closest to Fitz's butt against it gently with each lazy swing they made. Jonas smiled faintly, thoughtfully, wistfully. It was only when a muted vibration from his jacket pocket stirred him that that haze of complete contentedness faded. Jonas looked away from Fitz, who himself was nursing his vodka. That had been the only and repeating imperfection in the afternoon with Fitz. His phone. Vibrating persistently, wearing through his patience and burrowing down into his anger with each shudder. He'd texted Erin once, saying he didn't know when he'd be back at the apartment and to not worry. But he knew that Erin was very used to being aware of the most minute facet of Jonas's life. And he'd let her. He was an open, boring, habitual book. This sudden diversion from the stale routines that Erin had come to believe was all of Jonas's being was bound to confuse, perplex and grate her. Maybe Jonas ought to have added more. Responded to her stream of texts. But it'd been an unexplainable feat of willpower for him to pull out his phone and send that first text, when Fitz was in the 7/11 earlier - the only time they'd been apart since that morning. The thought of sending another text, especially with Fitz there made him feel hollow and nauseated and spread a bitter taste on his tongue. Guilt toward Erin was just beginning to make his fingers itch, his resolve to not text her, to not let her intrude or ruin another moment with Fitz. "You think soulmates really exist?" The phone was more than forgotten now. Erin was more than forgotten. And Jonas didn't even realize that that word ("soulmates"), inscribed on his heart, was so far removed from Erin that they might as well have been antonyms. Jonas faced forward, hands in pockets, eyes instantly glazing over in thoughtfulness while Fitz rambled. Jonas was turning over the question, drawing out his answer like a fisherman with his catch- "If they exist I think you're mine." Jonas's ponderous expression froze - or almost did. The one bit that moved were his lips, which parted barely, then danced with the ghost of a smile at one corner. Jonas could feel, rather than see, Fitz cringe at his clumsy wording, probably not framing his thoughts how he wanted, and he quickly clarified the vodka-aided misstep. Jonas smiled, amused, but not unkind, and looked sidelong at Fitz. "'Broulmates'?" he echoed, tone packed to quivering with suppressed mirth. "God, that's so stupid," he tipped his head back and finally let out a laugh. "But I think you're right." Jonas's laughter tapered off into snickering and he shoved his shoulder against Fitz's. "The vodka got you so sentimental? Or me? Not that I'm complaining. I like when you get all soft and sappy." Jonas's smirk and eyes danced. There wasn't an ounce of falsehood to his words, but he was using them to poke and prod at Fitz, because he knew that his best friend didn't like to let glimpses of what lay underneath his foul-mouthed and sour emotional exoskeleton.

. . . if I was born as a blackthorn tree, I'd wanna be felled by you, held by you, fuel the pyre of your enemies ... jonas @fitz

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Masking a sigh of relief, he almost relaxed just a little bit, hearing Jonas chalk it up to the vodka. He almost didn't realize what Jonas had said just before, that he had agreed with what Fitz had said. A tendril of hope in his heart snatched the bit of info greedily, burying it in his veins and his being. His head tipped sideways momentarily before turning to look at Jonas fully. "Well, I...maybe both. You know how I am, I think of everything constantly." He said, mock defensively. "I just wonder about things sometimes." He took a sip from the bottle and fiddled with the zipper of his jacket for a moment. [break][break]
Turning his next words over and over in his mind, he worked through the anxiety beginning to creep through him, in effort to give the words a chance. "I bet you do, Parker. I saw you crying into your cheerios at those ASPCA commercials." A crooked smirk worked it's way onto his lips. His smirk faltered just after, getting lost for a moment watching the way Jonas' eyes twinkled. He could feel his heart clench. This was going to be the actual death of him, for real this time. Simultaneously he was ashamed and annoyed at himself for pining like a middle school kid. [break][break]
His eyes dropped to his lap as he thought for a moment, and after a pause amended his previous sentence. "I don't blame you. It's probably the only likeable thing about me." He tacked on a laugh and a semi-convincing smile. It came through more bitter than anything. Looking to the dorms, he thought about when he first moved to campus. He'd run into Tabitha, a girl they'd known through high school. After the initial shock, she caught him up on the prominent things that had happened since he'd been gone. It was a pleasant surprise to him that he wasn't jealous or upset to hear about Erin, Jonas' girlfriend. An improvement for sure. [break][break]
The next thought pierced him painfully, no more than others he'd had before about it. The knowledge that Erin was probably better for Jonas than he would ever remotely be. It didn't hurt as much as it could have, and he was thankful for that at least. His thoughts honed in on the phone he could hear buzzing quietly here and there, and they rattled around his skull like a game of pinball. Without his permission, his mouth opened and spat out a sarcastic joke. "Someone's popular tonight, and it sure isn't me." He laughed, but it was empty.

[attr="class","boxo-notes"]is this post kind of choppy? i might be imagining it

KAY

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[Deleted]

He felt contentedly drunk, but Fitz's words and laugh and smile and where they brushed against each other were Jonas's substance, like the vodka was for Fitz just then. Jonas couldn't stop smiling, small, but bright, at his best friend's classic, lazy, bitter humor - how it hadn't changed in their time apart, and that constance made Jonas dizzy. The smile was stolen away, finally, when Fitz nonchalantly and dismissively depreciated himself. Jonas looked between his knees at the earth rolling steeply away from them toward the more even campus of the college, pensive. He knew Fitz was joking, but there was more to it than that. The jests were swaddling real and tender truths and fears that Fitz had. And that disguise worked for everyone in the world... Except Jonas Parker. Jonas sighed through his nose sharply and leaned back, pulling his hands out of his pockets to use his elbows to prop himself up on the ground as he reclined. "Maybe to most people," he said, thinking out loud. "Me? Don't think there's a single thing I don't like," Jonas smirked slyly at Fitz. "Maybe I'm a dumbass, or maybe I'm a smartass. Probably both." His soft joking and smile that was just as soft wavered. Fitz noticed the persistent mumbling of Jonas's phone and commented on it. Something like a stone fell into place in the pit of Jonas's stomach. "It's nothing," he said, too quickly. Some part of him pointed out that saying that ought to have made him feel guilty. Either he was lying to Fitz by saying Erin was nothing or, maybe more alarmingly, was saying the truth. The rest of Jonas, though, kept fighting like a rabid beast to keep Fitz to himself just then. To fend off anyone - anything - other than the two of them. When it was the two of them, life was perfect. It'd always been other people who'd ruined things. "In fact," Jonas added, more quietly. He pulled out his phone and held the lock button. For a half-second his screen lit up, showing "Erin 21 Messages," before it darkened, asking if he wanted to turn the device off. Without hesitation, Jonas's thumb flicked, dragging the icon across its track, and his phone went truly dark this time. "Better," Jonas said, and any guilt still clinging onto him like cobwebs and tripwires disintegrated when he looked sideways at Fitz again.

. . . if I was born as a blackthorn tree, I'd wanna be felled by you, held by you, fuel the pyre of your enemies ... jonas @fitz

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 It would never cease to surprise him how easily Jonas was able to brush away his insecurities, like they were nothing more than dust, and instantly make him feel better. The way he could just come out and say what he was thinking to Fitz without worry or trepidation. Internally he tried to ignore the hope reaching out for that bit of truth, that Jonas liked all of him, the reason in him firing back that it was just friendly like. He glanced to the side, smirking slightly at Jonas' words and concealing the war waging in his head. "It's both. It's definitely both." He playfully prodded Jonas' side at that, laughing, eyes crinkling at the edges as he did. [break][break]
Just like that, it seemed like a switch had flipped in Jonas. That was another thing that he never seemed to expect, the way Jonas could just flip flop emotions at times. Fitz could tell something was bothering him, and as much as he wanted to do a deep dive into those feelings and fix whatever was wrong, his aloof shell stopped him from opening his mouth. So he nodded when Jonas said it was nothing, knowing full well that that was a lie. He didn't speak up when his partner in crime took the offending object and turned it off entirely. Fitz just watched, distantly aware that he'd seen something like twenty messages, but not who they were from just before Jonas turned the phone off.[break][break]
Once again, a switch flipped, and Jonas seemed back to himself. He did his best to not overthink that bit of information, that reaction to his earlier joke. Instead he leaned back as well, brushing his arm against Jonas as he folded them under his head to prop himself up. From here he could look at the stars, or what ones he could see with the light pollution from the city. They shined, much like Jonas' eyes had earlier, and something in his chest twinged at that. Turning his head to the side slightly to look at Jonas, he smiled lazily. "While I'm still feeling sappy, I think it's only fair to tell you. I love you, man. You're probably the only person on this planet I genuinely don't hate. Other than Bob Ross. I don't think anyone could hate Bob Ross."[break][break]
Even with those words spilling out of him, he was able to stave off the fear, knowing it would be chalked up to the alcohol and how long it'd been since they'd seen each other. For a little while he just laid there peacefully, probably more peaceful than he'd ever looked in his whole life. It was hard not to, with the universe seemingly falling into it's proper place now. Like the last few years had been some off kilter alternate reality he'd managed to escape from and nothing had changed. He opened his eyes after a moment, looking back to the stars and the moon. For a moment he let himself listen to the crickets chattering nearby, and the dull sounds from the campus and the city. "Feels like nothing even changed."

[attr="class","boxo-notes"]dude, but like, romantically

KAY

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With every moment that passed since he turned off his phone, the last festering flaws in the moment faded. By the time Fitz was reclining back on his own elbows, they were gone completely and things were perfect. Jonas rotated his neck, which was developing a crick from his position. He didn't pause to even consider, moving with the ease and instinct that you only can manage when you're with someone who makes you feel at home. Jonas wriggled on the ground, pivoting until he rested the back of his head on Fitz's damned bony hip. To anyone else, the change would've been terrible - mild discomfort traded for outright. For Jonas, though? He was pretty sure he could've nodded right off to sleep, then, and rest more soundly than he had in years. He was just settling, lacing his fingers over his chest and looking up at the stars, when Fitz broke the gentle silence. "...tell you. I love you, man..." Jonas's nose crinkled in amusement. There were all the descriptors that he was tickled, pantomiming a normal, teasing moment between friends. Underneath that veneer, though, his cheeks flushed, nothing to do with the soft chill leeching through his skin from the nighttime air. He smiled, and couldn't seem to get enough air in his lungs. He chuckled, just loudly enough for Fitz to hear, and who the sound was designed to comfort was anyone's guess. A way to disarm what could've, under different circumstances, with two different men, been an awkward moment. After a thoughtful silence, Fitz commented that it was like nothing changed. Jonas gave a mmm of agreement. Then he turned his head, Fitz's hip jutting into his scalp beneath his disheveled hair, and looked up his best friend's slender torso to where his eyes shone, waiting, watching. "I know it's implied, but just in case you're too thick to get it unless I spell it out: I love you too." Jonas smiled softly. Then a shiver ran through him, helped along by the gathering cold of the evening. But in reality it spawned - ignorant though Jonas was to this fact - from the words that'd just left his lips.

. . . if I was born as a blackthorn tree, I'd wanna be felled by you, held by you, fuel the pyre of your enemies ... jonas @fitz

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As much as he wanted to freeze up and go completely still when Jonas rested on his hip, he fought the instinct off. Fitz always ran cold, this was just a universal truth, like gravity, or physics or something. However just then, the chill was starting to get to him. Everywhere, except for where Jonas' head laid. After a moment he convinced himself to relax internally, just enjoying the night air and the sky above them. He reveled in the laugh he managed to draw out of his best friend, smirking more to himself than anything. [break][break]
Nothing could prepare him for what came after the hum of agreement. The confession was both fully expected while also managing to completely blindside him. He managed to catch the shine of Jonas' eyes, and he let out a giddy laugh, something completely out of character for him. A night of firsts for sure. He let the laughter taper off, leaving them both in near silence. Framed by his approximation of Jonas' heartbeat and that of his own seemingly much louder pulse. Internally he was thinking, way too hard as usual, a marbling of emotions shifting and intermingling in his brain. His nigh never ending inner turmoil was only broken by the shiver he felt from the other man.[break][break]
Craning his neck up to look full on at his best friend, he gave him an almost stern look. "Hey. Let's go inside. You're gonna catch a cold." Fitz's lesser worn hat, the mom friend hat, was on full display here as he adjusted, moving to prop himself up on his elbows in a recreation of how Jonas had sat earlier. There was an unvoiced, half-joking quality to his suggestion. There was no doubt though, he was using that voice again. He rose until he was sitting up fully, Jonas' head in his lap. He pushed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, fingers curling into fists as he fought off the urge to run his fingers through disheveled brown hair. Waiting until Jonas had moved, his hands returned by his side and he pushed himself up to stand, miming as if he was dusting himself off. [break][break]
Leading the way down the hill, he picked his footing carefully to avoid a full slide part of the way, but a wild shock of mischief coursed through him and he waited just until his best friend caught up to him. Pushing Jonas' foot with his own, he managed to drop the both of them against the ground once more, sliding together down the hill. Fitz cackled with polite mirth the whole way down until they reached the bottom of the hill. He playfully ruffled Jonas' hair before sitting up in a flash and running to escape any payback that might befall him.[break][break]
As they finally managed to get inside the dormitory, Fitz unlocked and opened the grey metal door to his room. It wasn't quite a shoebox like a lot of other dorms were, especially since his roommate had never shown up. His bed was pushed against the wall underneath the window where he'd decorated the adjoining wall with posters and pictures from their road trip. Opposite the tv was a small worn couch, the legs of which had been nearly sawed off. He tossed his back in the corner of the room next to his closet, peeling off his jacket and shortly after his shirt. A pinched, bright pink scar spanned the left side of his abdomen, a remainder from the car door that had twisted like a tin can into his side. Lucky for him it'd missed any major organs. [break][break]
He retrieved a replacement shirt, and the sight of the other scar was gone just as quickly as it had appeared, hidden beneath a black Misfits t shirt. Plopping down on the low set couch, he turned on the tv and the switch, passing an old school gamecube controller towards Jonas with a smile. "Alright Parker, ready for me to put you in your place again?" He chuckled, eyes dancing in amusement. He propped his feet up on the squat coffee table, letting his arm relax where it pressed up against Jonas'. If he closed his eyes it could've been a whole other day, a few years ago, untouched by pain.

[attr="class","boxo-notes"]apparently I had a lot of feelings lmao

KAY

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[Deleted]

Fitz struggled into a sitting position, moving Jonas's head naturally more into his lap than on his hipbone. Jonas looked up at him, his lips forced together in a borderline doofy, half-smile. "Yes, warden." He waited a few seconds more, admiring how Fitz looked, silhouetted by the muddled city light, and thinking it'd be a perfect painting. With a sigh like he was being put out majorly Jonas rose and slowly hefted onto his feet. Fitz lead the way down the steep, loose hill face of the rise they'd been on top of. Jonas, hands in pockets, did a double-take, catching the wily fire glinting in Fitz a second too late. He gasped, cursing, as they both slid down the sheer earth. Jonas hit bottom with a lot less grace than Fitz did. He was still gathering himself back together and was only just getting to the point of glaring at Fitz when his best friend ruffled his hair, just to rub salt in the wound, and bolted. Any mild irritation Jonas had was stolen by that. He couldn't fend off the mischievous smile pulling his lips as he scrambled onto his feet and chased after Fitz. - - - - - - The dorm room was arguably as flat and featureless as any other. To Jonas, it was Fitz's room and felt somehow more like home than the apartment he'd spent months nest-making with Erin. "No roomie? Nice-" Jonas was saying, looking around, and his eyes fell on Fitz, who was casually swapping his shirt. He took in the milky skin; the ladder of his spine and the bands of his ribs in clear relief because of his thinness; those three moles that wound from his lower back to the plane of his stomach that he somehow remembered perfectly; but those were done in a microsecond. Jonas's words died, as did the light shining in his eyes, as his world snagged on the scar on Fitz's side. If the one on his brow twisted a knife in Jonas's gut, this one flayed the skin from his bones. The knot of emotions that welled up, harsh and deep and jagged made him feel faint. Fitz pulled down his new shirt, though, and it was gone and Jonas hurried to throw himself back together, compose himself and not make things awkward or tarnish what should've been a casual, warm moment. Fitz flopped down on his couch and turned on a Switch, handing Jonas a controller. He looked down at it - he couldn't remember the last time he'd touched a video game. Any time he even thought about it since he was seventeen, memories of gaming with Fitz would pelt him and he'd get nauseous and not feel like doing anything, much less play, for the rest of the day. That stunned flash through his eyes faded quick as it'd come. He smiled wickedly and dropped down beside Fitz, pointedly shouldering him out of his spot a bit in a physical challenge. "Oh, man, you're so on. Pick your poison." He hunkered over his controller, a competitive switch thrown in his brain.

. . . if I was born as a blackthorn tree, I'd wanna be felled by you, held by you, fuel the pyre of your enemies ... jonas @fitz

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[attr="class","lyr1"]cause i'm awake

[attr="class","lyr2"]all night

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[attr="class","lyr4"]long to the drums

[attr="class","lyr5"]`

[attr="class","lyr6"]of the

[attr="class","lyr2"]city rain

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tag: @jonas // wordcount: 415

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For a moment, he forgot all about the roommate situation, until Jonas had started to bring it up. "Oh yeah, guess they just never showed up. Fine with me, we know I'm not good at sharing." He remarked with a laugh, flipping through the character selection screen. Though he navigated the game comfortably, it'd been a fair bit since he'd actually played anything. It was more muscle memory at this point, and the same could be said for the day he'd moved in and actually unpacked the system and set it up. If one were to look closely, there was a thin layer of dust on the console signaling it's disuse. [break][break]
Fitz selected Lucas and awaited Jonas' choice of character with a smirk, straightening up slightly. As if his manners came back to him in that moment, what manners he did have, he nodded towards the mini fridge in the corner. "I've got soda if you want one. Or water. There's beer too but not for goody two shoes like yourself." He teased, prodding his best friend in the side. He set his controller on the coffee table, hopping up once more and opening up the window just beside his bed. With the fresh air pouring in, he retook his place, wriggling until he was comfortable once more. As the game started they seemed to fall into a rhythm of joking and laughing and playfully trash talking each other through the matches. They'd always been pretty equally matched when it came to video games, and that fact was ever present here as well as they traded victories back and forth.[break][break]
At one point or another he'd stretched his legs out, laying them over Jonas' lap carelessly. He attributed his current losing streak to this position, and complained audibly about it, but never actually moved so that he was sitting differently. "Consider it a gift. I'm letting you win." He said with all the arrogance he could muster, a smug grin on his face. Until Jonas managed to get a hit on him that sent him hurtling off the side of the map. His jaw dropped and he glanced to the side in mock betrayal. "How could you?" He only managed to get the first bit out before dissolving into giggles. As they were sent back to the selection screen he glanced at the TV momentarily and then back to Jonas. "Another one? Or you gonna call it quits while you still have your crown?"

[attr="class","boxo-notes"]frands ;A;

KAY

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Jonas considered, momentarily, choosing Ness just to be cheeky. With his very rusty gaming skills, though, and considering his opponent, he was going to need all the help he could get to even the scales and not have his ass handed to him thoroughly. So, with a tight, borderline wicked twist to his lips, avoiding eye contact with Fitz to keep from snickering, he locked in Jigglypuff - his best character. Or former best character. They fell into a rhythm, easy as breathing, just like in all other things. Jonas was definitely out of practice, and those first few matches were rough, even moreso because they fed into Fitz's loud ego. Muscle memory and countless hours spent playing video games with his best friend came back quick, though, and soon he was giving as good as he got. Somewhere in the snarking, threatening, laughing and cussing, Fitz's legs ended up thrown over Jonas's lap. He hunkered over them, resting his forearms on them, tongue in his cheek as, with a flourish, he smashed Fitz's character clean off the arena's map. Jonas grinned at the next question. "Dude, what time is it, even?" he laughed. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands and looked blearily at Fitz afterward. When he heard how late (or early, technically) it was, Jonas let out another laugh. He recovered quickly, resting one palm on Fitz's calf while with the other he stretched and scratched the back of his head. "Hey do you... Well," Jonas colored a little with embarrassment. "Mind if I crash here?" He paused for a half-second, wondering if he should leave it simple as that, not go on to describe the probably stupid reason he was asking. But he wanted to be honest, and Fitz had never once seriously judged him for anything. "It's stupid but I feel like if I leave you'll disappear." Jonas winced, looking through one eye at Fitz, braced like he was about to get punched in the arm for being so lame.

. . . if I was born as a blackthorn tree, I'd wanna be felled by you, held by you, fuel the pyre of your enemies ... jonas @fitz

template by rem of WW

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